I Want To, But I Shouldn't - A Love Poem Attempt

I made this in July of 2016, because I wanted to express my feelings without talking to anyone. This is for a man whom I secretly in-love with for years.

People say I am transparent, I can't hide my feelings. Somehow it is true, but there are times that it's best not to admit.

I have tried to forget, so many times. But even when I don't see or talk to him as often as before, my heart and my mind still longs for him.

No one in our circle will know straight from me.

Until he allows me.

To my Grover, this is for you.

It would be nice if.. if.. I can bring you food
Or your favorite dessert
But I shouldn't even if I could

I would love to sing a song especially for you
Or maybe let you know of a song that reminded me of you
But I shouldn't even when I've almost done it

I would like to spend weekends with you
Maybe watch a nice movie, or have dinner for two
But I shouldn't even if I know that you've just at home

I would want to make you feel special
Look after your well-being, take care of you
But I shouldn't even if I know that no one's doing that for you now

Do you know why I want to do these?

Because you make me smile and laugh
You never left my side when I needed someone to lean on
You've known me enough but still held on
Because I can be dumb and crazy when I'm with you
And you would be crazier
And most of all, you make me feel so special

And why I shouldn't?

Because I am just a friend.

In Christ | #ENFast2018

First post for 2018! Woohoo!!

This will be updated until end of this week as I am currently on fast.

Some of you maybe confused on what I am saying. Well, I've committed to a one-meal-only fast from January 8-12 for our church's annual Prayer and Fasting which is entitled In Christ.

Yes, for five days... well, four and a half to be exact, I will be limiting myself to eat JUST ONE MEAL. No snacks or any solid food intake aside from that meal for five (or 4 1/2) days. This is a collective (voluntary) activity of members of VCF or Victory Christian Fellowship at the start of each year to focus more on God. As mentioned in the P&F booklet:

"Fasting is a spiritual tool God uses to advance His kingdom, change the destiny of nations, spark revival, and bring victory in people’s lives. Every Nation begins each new year with five days of prayer and fasting to humble ourselves before God, consecrate ourselves to Him for the upcoming year, and corporately agree for breakthroughs."

More information is seen here --> https://www.everynationfast.org/. Focus for this year is the Book of Ephesians.

Along with the activity, we also pray for breakthroughs, or what we also call Faith Goals. Those are what we believe God for. It can be with our personal lives, careers, finances, relationships... I mean anything. But of course, while we ask for something, it will only happen if it's God's will.

There are also daily prayer meetings happening in all Victory congregations to help and guide us with our daily fasting. I work at night so I attend the services through Facebook Live of Victory Fort (Thank God for technology!). Saved videos are here --> https://www.youtube.com/user/victoryfort/videos

Oh, I forgot to mention.. that aside from fasting, I also committed to a "Social Media fast", which means that while I am online on social media, I will be invisible by not posting, reacting and watching IG stories (obviously I will be visible on Victory Fort's FB live because of the services.

So some of you may think that I do this to get what I am praying for. While it is true, a way better reward is in store. That is to get to know God more and by denying yourself of those you "need", you get to focus on what God wants to convey.

He speaks to us every time but we don't listen. I am so much guilty of this. This is also my way of saying that I cannot be anyone or have anything without God.

(As of January 9, 2018)

So I am first writing this on Day 2. So far I was able to fulfill my commitment... generally. Well, I ate 2 doughnuts for dessert yesterday (1 is enough for a meal!), unconsciously liked and posted a comment on FB (which I unliked and removed right away) and watched some IG stories.

I'm done with these:

THIS IS SOOOOO HARD!!! But again, the purpose is for me to focus on letting God work on me completely because I won't be able to do this while sick and preparing for a 10k race. But I know I will be able to finish this not by my strength but God's grace.

“. . . if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray

and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from

heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”

2 CHRONICLES 7:14

(As of January 11, 2018)

Almost ending Day 4, and I admit it, it is getting harder! Yesterday, Nord brought Maja Blanca made by her girlfriend. Because of my commitment of eating just one meal daily, I had to eat it right after the food I bought at the pantry (with a doughnut from Dunkin Donuts). The struggle was soooo real LOL!

I also felt lightheaded several times since Day 3, probably because of suppressed eating while still recovering from cough and colds. Forgot to mention that I was also feverish on Days 1 and 2 but still went through my planned pre-race workout. Still can't believe how I was able to do that, and also amazed that I ran with my target pace today! This is definitely not me, this is God working through me. Also, during today's prayer meeting live stream of Victory Fort, Pastor Paolo Punzalan prayed for healing and now, my cough is almost gone! Praise God and I claim that I will be in top shape & able to break my 10k Personal Record (PR).

This has been a very fruitful four days so far, and claiming for breakthrough after breakthrough. Amen.