Four Years

Four years... it's been four years. For those close to me, they know every bit of what happened four years ago. Yes, each day was a struggle because I went back to square one. Actually, I was at square one for quite some time. There are some instances that I went a few steps but got back. Most of the time, I stare at nowhere, like someone looking through a brick wall then tears come down to my eyes. I cannot explain the pain I felt that time... pain that I kept inside. It was overflowing that even when I tried to hide it, it just came out naturally.

I tried moving on and just forget everything but it's like a ghost haunting me at every picture, song and recent memory I had. For quite sometime, I felt angry and bitter. Then pitied myself. Maybe I still feel bits of those until now, I admit.

I am not saying that I have moved on. Someone once told me that there's no such thing as moving on, just getting used to the pain and deciding to go on with your life. Maybe everything that I am doing now is to prove that I can be better now or making him regret what he did or a defense mechanism... or all. However one thing is for sure, my Big Dad, my dear Lord God gave me the strength and courage to go on and move forward.

This (pointing at myself) is still a work in progress. Whatever I've achieved and done since four years ago, it's because of my decision of moving forward. I'm not saying I don't feel anger, sadness, bitterness and emptiness. I feel that everytime! I am not saying that what I'm doing is the right way. But what I know is I feel better. For now, that's what's important.

May God guide my path.