A Dream

I can’t remember the last time I had a dream as vivid as what happened last Sunday.

I was looking at a wide, green field then saw the man I secretly love driving a tricycle with lots of food, children and his current love as passengers. It is observed that he’s struggling in driving. The tricycle just passed by but he looked at me.

The next “scene” was in a room with a make-up artist. I was wearing a wedding gown and preparing for my wedding. After putting on my veil, I noticed that it touched my lips causing a lipstick stain on it. I called the attention of the make-up artist but she said that it’s just okay then I went down the stairs.

It was “bitin” but I woke up smiling and I don’t know why.

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Slap!

Daydreaming. Talking to myself. Asking myself why I am doing this. Slapping my own face.

Yeah, again and again and again... Talking about craziness, huh? These are the times that I hate myself for thinking about him and my craziness on him. No matter I tell myself that nothing will ever happen, even if I constantly ask for His help, the devil knows how to make me weak, touching my emotions big time.

Fighting myself each time I see him. Sometimes I win, most of the time I don't. Then again, the slapping comes in.

I have to tell myself that this will go nowhere. I have to let go... I've been suffering for so long, long enough to build a new self to accommodate new whatevers.

Well, for now I have to slap my face hard enough to wake up in this daydreaming... *slap*

Forgiven

A confessed FB addict, I opened my account one night and saw one post in my news feed. There were comments posted on one status update on a baby girl that was born the day before.

Curious on who that new parent is, I opened the link only to find out that it was my ex. I smiled while looking at the pictures. I didn't even know why I smiled. I was alone (as always) in my hotel room so i didn't have to pretend.

Then I realized... yes, I really forgave him. I don't know when it started but I am very sure that I can look at him in the eye and not see a reflection of me full of anger. I was actually happy for him because he wanted a girl for his first born. His mom's name was even part of the little angel's.

Eleven years with him was very fruitful. We've learned things from each other -- but I learned more from him. A part of what I am now is because of him. God gave him to me not to be a husband but his instrument for me to know Him. That alone made it worth it.

I am looking forward to meet him and his family in the near future. Yes, he is forgiven.

Him Alone

Been through a bunch of trials in the past weeks which made me go back the only one that I need.

God revealed to me what He wants me to hear:

• He will never leave nor forsake me
• He will be my shield in every battle I face
• Everything will come in His time, with His will
• What I need is Him and no one or nothing will ever replace his place
• Our goal in life is to please Him and everything will follow

I now forgive those people who wronged me, even if they don't ask for it. Whatever that was said and done is not entirely your fault. I have my share of the blame.

I also ask forgiveness to everyone I wronged, be it intentional or not. Being insensitive sometimes hit me big time.

My prayer is for people I know to realize the same thing. That the Lord is just waiting for them to call His name. May they feel tremendous joy in coming to His presence. Amen.

Please ayoko na...

can we stop this? please...

Hay, "kids!"

yun lang... shoutout lang! (even short than the max number of characters in twitter -- not including this of course, haha!)

Now I Know...

With the series of events last week, I realized something - I am in a real battle. There's war... and war is everywhere

My Sadness Behind Everyone's Happiness

We'll have our much-awaited Team Building tomorrow. I'd really love to hang out with them as just a normal person and not their boss. Besides, i feel less of it now than before.

One of my loved staff will leave the department and transfer to a team wherein he can do what he loves to do. I've always wanted him to pursue it but not leave the team :(

There are two major things that I feel bad about this; one he's one of the team's assets and it would be very very hard to look for his replacement and another is I knew it not from him.

I don't want to really burst out because it will be misinterpreted as not letting him grow as a person and a professional. It will be so unbecoming of a Supervisor. But then, why from us?

In a few minutes, I would tell him how I feel about his decision, not for him to stay but for me to let him know how everyone in this team is valued (for as long as trust is not broken)

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what i was thinking before i went to sleep last night :(

when i see you, i know you are special, but i also know that someone's making you feel that way.
i know that i can make you happy but problem is, someone's doing that already.

i've always wanted to let go of this crazy feeling but your face, your voice, your touch, ahh... i just can't help it. you're just there, you just don't go...

loving you from a distance makes me happy and sad at the same time. happy because it's you and sad because i can't express it in any way.

until now i'm struggling to let go... it's not doing any good to me. lines from eponine's "on my own" are very much applicable to me

"i love him, but when the night is over
he is gone, the river's just a river
without me, his world will go on turning
the trees are there and everywhere, the streets are full of strangers"

but now, i still love you and a small part of me is still hoping that you feel the same...

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My thoughts_January 21

1. I am scared of what will happen in our department this time... what will happen to me? will I be left behind again... for the 3rd time?

2. I feel jealous with someone... wish he's doing it to me... :(

Shoutout_January 12

I don't want to say this but for me that's good news!

To You (yes, you!)

Hello! This is a different way of starting my new year... heartache. He's the first person that came to my mind after midnight for some reason so I composed this letter just for him.

To you, just read it... that is if you know that it's you I am referring to...

_________________________________

Dear Mister,

I never thought of writing you this love letter knowing that nothing romantic will ever happen between the two of us.

I only knew you by name before, a nobody to be exact. Just an ordinary employee. But then we knew each other after some time. Then I fell…

Never in my wildest imagination that I will fall for someone like you. What’s hard is it is very impossible for us to be together yet, I keep on loving you.

Tried so many times to just forget my feelings. Besides, nothing will happen anyway knowing you and your current state. I also believe that loving someone is all about choices, not only emotions. The big problem is a part of me still longs for you and only you.

It is hard to just look at you from afar, happy but not because of me. I want so bad to show you how much I love and care about you, how I long to make you happy. I know in my heart that I can give more but…

I might be praying for the impossible though nothing is impossible with God but you are still in my prayers. If you are really not what God will give, then let that man show up now so that I would not suffer every time I see, talk or communicate with you.

One thing that I would like to tell you… with all my heart, I love you.