A Love Letter You Will Never Read

It’s been eight years. I can’t believe we were able to survive Christmas and New Year celebrations without you. It’s been pretty tough, and would say things are definitely not the same.

I can still clearly remember the last hours. It was the morning shifters’ turn (BJ and I) to look after you. At lunchtime, I went home and Ninang’s place to get something. I thought it was just a regular day at the ICU, until that phone call while I’m at a jeepney drive back to the hospital.

It was the ICU nurse, asking me to go back to the hospital right away.

The traffic was a bit heavy so I went on and just ran going to the hospital. I didn’t know how fast I ran but my only aim was just to be with you that time.

The next thing I saw was a barrage of nurses and two doctors around you. BJ was there, weeping. I knew that this is something different so we hurriedly called Daddy, Ate, Dean and Jen to go the hospital right away.

Your oxygen level was very low that you were given the highest dosage of meds, but there was no response. We saw you struggling to breathe; the doctor said you had cardiac arrest. A few minutes after, the doctor approached me and BJ on possibilities – he asked if we’d like to still try to revive. I told him to do whatever it takes. He instructed the nurses to do CPR and then give her shocks and another dose of meds, and wait for 30 minutes. Doc said that if there’s no response, we’d have to let you go.

Thirty minutes went by so fast, doc instructed everyone to remove the instruments. We had to let you go. I went near to your ear and said, “pahinga ka na.”

Days, then weeks, then months and now years. Everything was very clear as if it was yesterday. I still feel the pain every time I remember you, not  because I haven’t accepted your passing, but a part of us always feel empty.

Placed this here not because you’ll see it, because you never will. It’s just my expression on how I miss you because..

I miss you so much, Mommy… so much.

A Comeback Blog: When I Die

What a comeback, right? LOL! Well, it's been YEARSSSS since I've posted something here. A lot has happened which I choose not to elaborate (It's almost weekend and I'm bit tired).

So.. I made this a few weeks back and would like to post it somewhere that my sisters may read in case they want to have a reference.

(Update as of November 26, 2017)

This will be updated from time to time until either make up my mind or die, whichever comes first.

I still have my St. Peter plan, it’s mine. Contact Jong Menchavez (a friend and former colleague in Davao) as he knows who So if I die before my dad, use it. The free 4 days should be enough to process everything.

I prefer cremation but if it’s more expensive than burial, then the latter will do.

I don’t care about what you’ll do to me because I won’t know if anyway. So it can be as crappy as it can.

You don’t need to post how I was on social media because, again, I won’t know it anyway. Others won’t care either. Well, maybe my family.

If you wish to visit at my wake, do not expect people to serve you. We are a small family, independent at that. Most if not all of my friends are educated and professionals, just help yourselves. Also, don’t expect that my wake will have lots of food or have food at all. You have jobs, feed yourselves. We are still relatively poor and won’t afford additional expenses.

Lastly, on my tombstone, I want this written - I’ve lived my life based on my decisions and I take full responsibility. You should too!

(Update as of December 13, 2017)

I am just reminded of my wish right after declaring dead, to have all healthy parts donated to the most needed children, mothers or breadwinners. It'll be my family's option if they want to know the identity of the recipients, but what I would like to request to the latter -- pay it forward.