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My thoughts_January 21

1. I am scared of what will happen in our department this time... what will happen to me? will I be left behind again... for the 3rd time?

2. I feel jealous with someone... wish he's doing it to me... :(

Shoutout_January 12

I don't want to say this but for me that's good news!

To You (yes, you!)

Hello! This is a different way of starting my new year... heartache. He's the first person that came to my mind after midnight for some reason so I composed this letter just for him.

To you, just read it... that is if you know that it's you I am referring to...

_________________________________

Dear Mister,

I never thought of writing you this love letter knowing that nothing romantic will ever happen between the two of us.

I only knew you by name before, a nobody to be exact. Just an ordinary employee. But then we knew each other after some time. Then I fell…

Never in my wildest imagination that I will fall for someone like you. What’s hard is it is very impossible for us to be together yet, I keep on loving you.

Tried so many times to just forget my feelings. Besides, nothing will happen anyway knowing you and your current state. I also believe that loving someone is all about choices, not only emotions. The big problem is a part of me still longs for you and only you.

It is hard to just look at you from afar, happy but not because of me. I want so bad to show you how much I love and care about you, how I long to make you happy. I know in my heart that I can give more but…

I might be praying for the impossible though nothing is impossible with God but you are still in my prayers. If you are really not what God will give, then let that man show up now so that I would not suffer every time I see, talk or communicate with you.

One thing that I would like to tell you… with all my heart, I love you.

Goodbye, Almost Lover

I was on my way to the dentist one afternoon when I heard a new song over the taxi's radio. Curious with the song, I listened to the words and suddenly heard myself singing along... one of those very rare moments, I told myself.

The term 'almost lover' may differ in meaning for each person. It may be someone you are courting but got basted, or your MU (mag-un!), or a friend whom you fell in love with, or someone you are just looking from afar.

I relate myself with this song because I really want him to be happy but know that I can't give it to him. Why? Simply because I'm not the one he loves.

I decided to let go of this feeling more than a month ago but it came back... not liking it at all.

It's hard loving someone from a distance. I so want to show how much care and love I can give but knowing his current state, it's almost impossible.

One thing that I am thankful of is I learned to keep my feelings to myself...

Anyway, here's the song...

and the lyrics

Goodbye My Almost Lover

You fingertips against my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

You sang me spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I’m trying not to think about you

Can’t you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I’m trying not to think about you

Can’t you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you’re gone and I’m haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy for you

To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I’m trying not to think about you

Can’t you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

Why again?

I am trying my very best, of course with God's grace to let go of this feeling but why am I feeling it again? I can't be dragged by emotions to another heartache... i don't know if i am really strong enough to face another one.

I just want everything to be in order, no complications. But being human is complicated as is and that's where the problem comes in. It is a complete package of you and everything inside and outside of you.

Help me Lord, please help me in letting go of this feeling... this can't be!

Bothered...

It's already 2am, have to wake up at 6:30 for the Sunday Service... well, I have a couple of reasons:

1. I'm playing Plants vs. zombies! heheh!

2. Trying out my Globe Tattoo... it works well but there are times that i can't access a thing

3. I want to post something that bothers me... and here it is:

In the coming days i'll go home to spend the holidays with my family. This is the 2nd year that i'm doing this, still associating with my past, huh?

Aside from the holiday season, I will also take time off from work for a week though I am 99% sure that I'll call my seniors once in a while.

It's also Alvin and Mhay's wedding on January 9. I'm so excited for both of them because i somewhat saw how the years went through them... they are also my friends, especially Mhay.

As expected, we will sing at the wedding and reception. And of course since my ex is part of the group, he's also invited and he will definitely bring along his wife. That's what i am worried about...

Again, don't get me wrong. I am not hoping that we'll be back -- that would be very very impossible because he's married. What I am worried is how i will react once i see him for the first time after the breakup more than a year ago. I know there's a bit of anger with everything that had happened and the damage that it made.

This will be my main prayer from here on...