A Love Letter You Will Never Read

It’s been eight years. I can’t believe we were able to survive Christmas and New Year celebrations without you. It’s been pretty tough, and would say things are definitely not the same.

I can still clearly remember the last hours. It was the morning shifters’ turn (BJ and I) to look after you. At lunchtime, I went home and Ninang’s place to get something. I thought it was just a regular day at the ICU, until that phone call while I’m at a jeepney drive back to the hospital.

It was the ICU nurse, asking me to go back to the hospital right away.

The traffic was a bit heavy so I went on and just ran going to the hospital. I didn’t know how fast I ran but my only aim was just to be with you that time.

The next thing I saw was a barrage of nurses and two doctors around you. BJ was there, weeping. I knew that this is something different so we hurriedly called Daddy, Ate, Dean and Jen to go the hospital right away.

Your oxygen level was very low that you were given the highest dosage of meds, but there was no response. We saw you struggling to breathe; the doctor said you had cardiac arrest. A few minutes after, the doctor approached me and BJ on possibilities – he asked if we’d like to still try to revive. I told him to do whatever it takes. He instructed the nurses to do CPR and then give her shocks and another dose of meds, and wait for 30 minutes. Doc said that if there’s no response, we’d have to let you go.

Thirty minutes went by so fast, doc instructed everyone to remove the instruments. We had to let you go. I went near to your ear and said, “pahinga ka na.”

Days, then weeks, then months and now years. Everything was very clear as if it was yesterday. I still feel the pain every time I remember you, not  because I haven’t accepted your passing, but a part of us always feel empty.

Placed this here not because you’ll see it, because you never will. It’s just my expression on how I miss you because..

I miss you so much, Mommy… so much.

The Sunday Currently, Quatro

It's been a while since a had a The Sunday Currently.. and now doing it on a Monday! LOL! Well, it's just almost 1am though.

Reading

Devotionals from the Bible app I downloaded. Admittedly, I don't do this consistently but I need this, because I need God

Writing

None. However, I posted a poem attempt I made almost two years ago as I was reminded of that feeling (https://khristineslife.blogspot.com/2018/01/i-want-to-but-i-shouldnt-love-poem.html)

Listening

The Greatest Showman movie soundtrack. Oh em gee! The movie is so beautiful, highly recommended!

Thinking

The treadmill run tomorrow. I need to hit my training targets! Otherwise, my 15k attempt will be a fail.

Smelling

None, but I am loving my house' smell after cooking my meal :)

Hoping

For a good week. I actually have a case study interview on Tuesday for a company. Praying for God's will

Wearing

Shirt and shorts

Loving

The Greatest Showman! This movie deserved that applause we gave (many in the theater clapped) after the movie. You should watch it!

And oh, the newest addition to my home. The sofa!

Wanting

To see him, to have more conversations with him. Hay, why can't this feeling go away?

Needing

Bring back my passion for ministry

Feeling

Hopeful and praying for the next days and weeks to be great

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I Want To, But I Shouldn't - A Love Poem Attempt

I made this in July of 2016, because I wanted to express my feelings without talking to anyone. This is for a man whom I secretly in-love with for years.

People say I am transparent, I can't hide my feelings. Somehow it is true, but there are times that it's best not to admit.

I have tried to forget, so many times. But even when I don't see or talk to him as often as before, my heart and my mind still longs for him.

No one in our circle will know straight from me.

Until he allows me.

To my Grover, this is for you.

It would be nice if.. if.. I can bring you food
Or your favorite dessert
But I shouldn't even if I could

I would love to sing a song especially for you
Or maybe let you know of a song that reminded me of you
But I shouldn't even when I've almost done it

I would like to spend weekends with you
Maybe watch a nice movie, or have dinner for two
But I shouldn't even if I know that you've just at home

I would want to make you feel special
Look after your well-being, take care of you
But I shouldn't even if I know that no one's doing that for you now

Do you know why I want to do these?

Because you make me smile and laugh
You never left my side when I needed someone to lean on
You've known me enough but still held on
Because I can be dumb and crazy when I'm with you
And you would be crazier
And most of all, you make me feel so special

And why I shouldn't?

Because I am just a friend.

In Christ | #ENFast2018

First post for 2018! Woohoo!!

This will be updated until end of this week as I am currently on fast.

Some of you maybe confused on what I am saying. Well, I've committed to a one-meal-only fast from January 8-12 for our church's annual Prayer and Fasting which is entitled In Christ.

Yes, for five days... well, four and a half to be exact, I will be limiting myself to eat JUST ONE MEAL. No snacks or any solid food intake aside from that meal for five (or 4 1/2) days. This is a collective (voluntary) activity of members of VCF or Victory Christian Fellowship at the start of each year to focus more on God. As mentioned in the P&F booklet:

"Fasting is a spiritual tool God uses to advance His kingdom, change the destiny of nations, spark revival, and bring victory in people’s lives. Every Nation begins each new year with five days of prayer and fasting to humble ourselves before God, consecrate ourselves to Him for the upcoming year, and corporately agree for breakthroughs."

More information is seen here --> https://www.everynationfast.org/. Focus for this year is the Book of Ephesians.

Along with the activity, we also pray for breakthroughs, or what we also call Faith Goals. Those are what we believe God for. It can be with our personal lives, careers, finances, relationships... I mean anything. But of course, while we ask for something, it will only happen if it's God's will.

There are also daily prayer meetings happening in all Victory congregations to help and guide us with our daily fasting. I work at night so I attend the services through Facebook Live of Victory Fort (Thank God for technology!). Saved videos are here --> https://www.youtube.com/user/victoryfort/videos

Oh, I forgot to mention.. that aside from fasting, I also committed to a "Social Media fast", which means that while I am online on social media, I will be invisible by not posting, reacting and watching IG stories (obviously I will be visible on Victory Fort's FB live because of the services.

So some of you may think that I do this to get what I am praying for. While it is true, a way better reward is in store. That is to get to know God more and by denying yourself of those you "need", you get to focus on what God wants to convey.

He speaks to us every time but we don't listen. I am so much guilty of this. This is also my way of saying that I cannot be anyone or have anything without God.

(As of January 9, 2018)

So I am first writing this on Day 2. So far I was able to fulfill my commitment... generally. Well, I ate 2 doughnuts for dessert yesterday (1 is enough for a meal!), unconsciously liked and posted a comment on FB (which I unliked and removed right away) and watched some IG stories.

I'm done with these:

THIS IS SOOOOO HARD!!! But again, the purpose is for me to focus on letting God work on me completely because I won't be able to do this while sick and preparing for a 10k race. But I know I will be able to finish this not by my strength but God's grace.

“. . . if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray

and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from

heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”

2 CHRONICLES 7:14

(As of January 11, 2018)

Almost ending Day 4, and I admit it, it is getting harder! Yesterday, Nord brought Maja Blanca made by her girlfriend. Because of my commitment of eating just one meal daily, I had to eat it right after the food I bought at the pantry (with a doughnut from Dunkin Donuts). The struggle was soooo real LOL!

I also felt lightheaded several times since Day 3, probably because of suppressed eating while still recovering from cough and colds. Forgot to mention that I was also feverish on Days 1 and 2 but still went through my planned pre-race workout. Still can't believe how I was able to do that, and also amazed that I ran with my target pace today! This is definitely not me, this is God working through me. Also, during today's prayer meeting live stream of Victory Fort, Pastor Paolo Punzalan prayed for healing and now, my cough is almost gone! Praise God and I claim that I will be in top shape & able to break my 10k Personal Record (PR).

This has been a very fruitful four days so far, and claiming for breakthrough after breakthrough. Amen.

The Sunday Currently, Tres

Skipped some weeks (yeah, I forgot) and since today's New Year's Eve, aside from this post, I will also have a 2017 Reflection. Anyway, here's what I have today!


Reading
None, as usual. But because of Ang Larawan, I'm looking into reading A Portrait of the Artist as Filipino by Nick Joaquin. It's a three-act play.. now where to find a physical copy, I don't know


Writing
My 2017 reflections. I've been doing this as a personal tradition since 2011 if I am not mistaken.


Listening
Footsteps from outside and faint street noises. I wanted to just rest for a while before I go to church, get the lasagna I ordered from House of Lasagna (love, love, love their Beef Lasagna!) and go home to spend the new year with my siblings, nephew and niece


Thinking
A lot of things. Reflecting on what happened in 2017 is not as easy as the previous years. Been thinking of it for a while but still have nothing to write


Smelling
Just my room. And I realize that if I want this area to be my sanctuary, I need to bring back my oil burner (copied from my previous post, lol)


Hoping
That I won't get sleepy later at church lol! Seriously, I only slept for four hours and have a long day ahead. Maybe I can catch some zzz's when I get home


Wearing
Shirt and shorts


Loving
What happened two days ago, our annual get together. I've always been looking forward to that every Christmas season and this year was great!

Wanting
To sleep, have my eyebrows done (because kilay is life lol) and a good massage. Maybe tomorrow :)


Needing
Okay, I just don't want a massage, I need it! lol!


Feeling
Hopeful. Seeing my condo unit slowly looking like a home, I am hopeful and expectant that 2018 will bring more blessings and turn my unit into my home. Excited to bring in visitors!


Have a great new year, everyone! Enjoy tonight's celebrations.


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The Sunday Currently, Dos

I am almost 24 hours awake, mainly because I am still at a high with my recent 10k run c/o Affinitea. I think I have to create a separate blog for that. Here's my result according to Strava:

But hey, while it's already Monday (time check: 1:16am PH time), it is still Sunday in most parts of the world. So here's my 2nd round of The Sunday Currently.

Reading
My run results in Strava. Yes, I still can't believe that I finished the race. I almost gave up on the 7k stretch because my legs are getting stiff and left pelvic area hurts... followed by the right area, don't know why.

Writing
This text message that I will be sending to my broker. She didn't show up in multiple times that she promised to give what she needs to provide. One more and I will file a formal complaint (wait, I already filed one without response) if she will not comply.

Listening
Just my aircon noise, about to sleep.

Thinking
On when I should be running my next 10k. I will actually look for schedules for January or early February for another 10k run before going a step higher - 21k... yes, half marathon!

Smelling
Just my room. And I realize that if I want this area to be my sanctuary, I need to bring back my oil burner.

Hoping
That I will be able to buy what I need to buy. My Christmas gift list is less than 50% done ugh!

Wearing
A t-shirt and old jogging pants

Loving
The fact there are people who are happy that I started running. Well, in reality, I started 4 months ago but only known to a select few

Wanting
To eat! But I can't because I need to sleep!!!

Needing
A good massage! My body is craving for one

Feeling
Relieved. My dog, a male shih tzu was sick last Friday. I thought it's something really bad but glad that it's cold. One fact though is that when dogs get cold, they lose their appetite and vomit.


Alright! That's it! Have a great week ahead, everyone! :)

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When You Feel Nothing

An impromptu blog. And I don't know how this will turn out.

Aside from what I felt a few hours ago about my dog potentially being sick and away from him, it seems that I feel nothing majority of the time.

Living alone, working alone (most of the time), being inside my own bubble. Being an introvert makes these very easy tasks. These make me also think alone, talk to myself and sometimes do this - document.

This question comes to mind - what are people dealing with in their everyday lives.

But then, you see the news, you see lesser fortunate individuals, families deal with their lowly lives day after day. Sickness, poverty, slavery and a whole lot more.

Then you think again, would you still want to feel something? Immediate and appropriate answer is... of course!

Now I realize that I feel a lot every single moment.

Sad - That's the reason why I started typing here

Lonely - You know what, while I prefer being alone most of the time, it would always be nice to know that someone will just be there and say that things will just be fine. I don't have that constant companion for more than 9 years already... and counting.

Confused - On where life will lead me. I know God is bringing me closer to that, but as of now I'm still in a blur.

Bored - I am used to be busy when at work, but guess what, I am doing this. While I have a document to finish, I am taking time so I can do something tomorrow. I don't want to get used to not being busy.

But despite all those negative feelings...

Thankful and super blessed.

God has blessed me so much even when I don't deserve it. I say this over and over again because it's true. Looking at other people not as 'fortunate' as you are, you would ask why. And then I answer (talking to myself again, huh?). It's all about mindset, it's all about faith and knowing that God suffered way worse that any other living (or dead) person there is or was. And why He did that, because of LOVE. I may feel lonely, sad, betrayed at times. In this state and condition. But I won't be surprised if someone who is not that fortunate is happier in life than I am.

Sometimes, we feel that nothing is happening. This is because we keep on looking outside going in. Most of the time we look at the surface. What we need to do more often is to look inside going out. How we feel deep inside after everything that is happening and has happened will make us realize that life is way better than we always think.

Surprising that this blog turned out like this. Amazing. Thank you, Lord.

However, I will not feel this every moment. After posting this, I may feel nothing... or different again. But one thing is sure, I can always look up... and inside.

Wow. I should do this more often.