Three Times the Confusion

I know... it's been ages since I shared something in the web. Maybe I just lost interest or don't want to be misinterpreted which happens most of the time.

Last week was same as the previous ones - toxic, except for two events:

1. There was a Sagala theme day in the office, and the group chose to join... and we won! :) Thanks to everyone who made it possible. One thing that made me stressed out was the "requirement" of dressing up. I think it's more stressful than attending meetings and making reports, just because I am not used to it.

I knew of the requirement on Tuesday and the event was on Friday. I didn't do anything though until Wednesday afternoon after I got confirmation. Got a cellphone number from a co-worker but hesitated to go there because of the rent price - 1k for a gown rent?! But I just had to do it because it's part of the judging criteria.

I didn't get any response from the contact but I just can't go out because of work requirements. It was only Thursday afternoon that I am forced to look for a dress. Went to three shops before I got the first dress that matched the "requirement" - Filipiniana which was also cheaper. What's funny and embarrassing though was what happened before that. Being the "lampa" that I am, I tripped on a hump and saw myself almost kissing the asphalt road in Bajada. That caused my injury which I have until yesterday (It still hurts but already bearable).

Anyway, the event pushed through with me in a brown modern filipiniana dress, made up which is very uncommon. Almost everyone liked how I looked but I was just uncomfortable with it. Oh well, our team won so I think it's worth it. :)

2. I was chatting with my boss when she suddenly asked me questions that lead to an offer. Then I was told that it was announced in a meeting. Confused, I asked a long-time friend for advise. He gave some but I am not satisfied. Talked to one of my mentors and he made me think more, most especially when he mentioned that he'd love me to be his partner in crime. I was not forced to give an answer so I told myself to wait for it to be asked again. Later that day, she sent me an email regarding her plans. It made me more confused but made me smile.

I have not reached a concrete decision yet because all have its pros and cons. My decision may literally change my life.

Anyway, I still have the whole day to think of it. Tomorrow's a new week and I'm looking forward to challenges that it will bring. I might have felt exhaustion at times, but pressures and stress give me this sort of vibe to face it more.

Last Working Day of 2010

It's been a while since I posted something here. I tried a couple of times but didn't manage to finish something. Basically, it was work that ate my time and the stress and exhaustion around it.

Before I left for Manila last Christmas, my life was blank - boring was an understatement. I didn't have anything to do except work, and put too much effort on it. You might ask why, but I can't really tell. Getting messages from friends in Manila for reunions/get togethers/meetups made me more than excited. At last, I'll get my life back! That's what I was, going out with friends, eating, chatting and singing with them were just some activities we do.

After the Christmas eve service at church, I went to Damosa to buy cake for my team and eat dinner. Then went back to work to finish a report due that day. Nothing special in the office, aside from the Christmas dinner. Greeted everyone a Merry Christmas at midnight, posted greetings in twitter and talked to a friend who's in Saudi through Skype. For a while, I felt that I was an OFW too... no families nor long-time friends around, just workmates and newly-found friends. Also ate with the GY members to at least feel that I have family that night.

Then came 2am. Still working on my report, I received a phone call and email message that calls coming in are way above the forecast that they need our team to help. So I asked the team to take in calls until further notice. The call volume was so high that made the site director go the office and check on things. Stress was in the air again, i told myself. What made it more stressful is the "magnified mistakes" made by the members. Good thing I was there, if not, there would be attrition on Christmas day.

Instead of my plan of just finishing the report and rest the whole night, my last day in Davao was just like any other day in the office, full of pressure. Well, this is what I chose and love to do, so be it and bring it on! \m/

A Dream

I can’t remember the last time I had a dream as vivid as what happened last Sunday.

I was looking at a wide, green field then saw the man I secretly love driving a tricycle with lots of food, children and his current love as passengers. It is observed that he’s struggling in driving. The tricycle just passed by but he looked at me.

The next “scene” was in a room with a make-up artist. I was wearing a wedding gown and preparing for my wedding. After putting on my veil, I noticed that it touched my lips causing a lipstick stain on it. I called the attention of the make-up artist but she said that it’s just okay then I went down the stairs.

It was “bitin” but I woke up smiling and I don’t know why.

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Slap!

Daydreaming. Talking to myself. Asking myself why I am doing this. Slapping my own face.

Yeah, again and again and again... Talking about craziness, huh? These are the times that I hate myself for thinking about him and my craziness on him. No matter I tell myself that nothing will ever happen, even if I constantly ask for His help, the devil knows how to make me weak, touching my emotions big time.

Fighting myself each time I see him. Sometimes I win, most of the time I don't. Then again, the slapping comes in.

I have to tell myself that this will go nowhere. I have to let go... I've been suffering for so long, long enough to build a new self to accommodate new whatevers.

Well, for now I have to slap my face hard enough to wake up in this daydreaming... *slap*

Forgiven

A confessed FB addict, I opened my account one night and saw one post in my news feed. There were comments posted on one status update on a baby girl that was born the day before.

Curious on who that new parent is, I opened the link only to find out that it was my ex. I smiled while looking at the pictures. I didn't even know why I smiled. I was alone (as always) in my hotel room so i didn't have to pretend.

Then I realized... yes, I really forgave him. I don't know when it started but I am very sure that I can look at him in the eye and not see a reflection of me full of anger. I was actually happy for him because he wanted a girl for his first born. His mom's name was even part of the little angel's.

Eleven years with him was very fruitful. We've learned things from each other -- but I learned more from him. A part of what I am now is because of him. God gave him to me not to be a husband but his instrument for me to know Him. That alone made it worth it.

I am looking forward to meet him and his family in the near future. Yes, he is forgiven.

Him Alone

Been through a bunch of trials in the past weeks which made me go back the only one that I need.

God revealed to me what He wants me to hear:

• He will never leave nor forsake me
• He will be my shield in every battle I face
• Everything will come in His time, with His will
• What I need is Him and no one or nothing will ever replace his place
• Our goal in life is to please Him and everything will follow

I now forgive those people who wronged me, even if they don't ask for it. Whatever that was said and done is not entirely your fault. I have my share of the blame.

I also ask forgiveness to everyone I wronged, be it intentional or not. Being insensitive sometimes hit me big time.

My prayer is for people I know to realize the same thing. That the Lord is just waiting for them to call His name. May they feel tremendous joy in coming to His presence. Amen.