A Love Letter You Will Never Read

It’s been eight years. I can’t believe we were able to survive Christmas and New Year celebrations without you. It’s been pretty tough, and would say things are definitely not the same.

I can still clearly remember the last hours. It was the morning shifters’ turn (BJ and I) to look after you. At lunchtime, I went home and Ninang’s place to get something. I thought it was just a regular day at the ICU, until that phone call while I’m at a jeepney drive back to the hospital.

It was the ICU nurse, asking me to go back to the hospital right away.

The traffic was a bit heavy so I went on and just ran going to the hospital. I didn’t know how fast I ran but my only aim was just to be with you that time.

The next thing I saw was a barrage of nurses and two doctors around you. BJ was there, weeping. I knew that this is something different so we hurriedly called Daddy, Ate, Dean and Jen to go the hospital right away.

Your oxygen level was very low that you were given the highest dosage of meds, but there was no response. We saw you struggling to breathe; the doctor said you had cardiac arrest. A few minutes after, the doctor approached me and BJ on possibilities – he asked if we’d like to still try to revive. I told him to do whatever it takes. He instructed the nurses to do CPR and then give her shocks and another dose of meds, and wait for 30 minutes. Doc said that if there’s no response, we’d have to let you go.

Thirty minutes went by so fast, doc instructed everyone to remove the instruments. We had to let you go. I went near to your ear and said, “pahinga ka na.”

Days, then weeks, then months and now years. Everything was very clear as if it was yesterday. I still feel the pain every time I remember you, not  because I haven’t accepted your passing, but a part of us always feel empty.

Placed this here not because you’ll see it, because you never will. It’s just my expression on how I miss you because..

I miss you so much, Mommy… so much.

The Sunday Currently, Quatro

It's been a while since a had a The Sunday Currently.. and now doing it on a Monday! LOL! Well, it's just almost 1am though.

Reading

Devotionals from the Bible app I downloaded. Admittedly, I don't do this consistently but I need this, because I need God

Writing

None. However, I posted a poem attempt I made almost two years ago as I was reminded of that feeling (https://khristineslife.blogspot.com/2018/01/i-want-to-but-i-shouldnt-love-poem.html)

Listening

The Greatest Showman movie soundtrack. Oh em gee! The movie is so beautiful, highly recommended!

Thinking

The treadmill run tomorrow. I need to hit my training targets! Otherwise, my 15k attempt will be a fail.

Smelling

None, but I am loving my house' smell after cooking my meal :)

Hoping

For a good week. I actually have a case study interview on Tuesday for a company. Praying for God's will

Wearing

Shirt and shorts

Loving

The Greatest Showman! This movie deserved that applause we gave (many in the theater clapped) after the movie. You should watch it!

And oh, the newest addition to my home. The sofa!

Wanting

To see him, to have more conversations with him. Hay, why can't this feeling go away?

Needing

Bring back my passion for ministry

Feeling

Hopeful and praying for the next days and weeks to be great

Join The Sunday Currently link-up by siddathornton!

I Want To, But I Shouldn't - A Love Poem Attempt

I made this in July of 2016, because I wanted to express my feelings without talking to anyone. This is for a man whom I secretly in-love with for years.

People say I am transparent, I can't hide my feelings. Somehow it is true, but there are times that it's best not to admit.

I have tried to forget, so many times. But even when I don't see or talk to him as often as before, my heart and my mind still longs for him.

No one in our circle will know straight from me.

Until he allows me.

To my Grover, this is for you.

It would be nice if.. if.. I can bring you food
Or your favorite dessert
But I shouldn't even if I could

I would love to sing a song especially for you
Or maybe let you know of a song that reminded me of you
But I shouldn't even when I've almost done it

I would like to spend weekends with you
Maybe watch a nice movie, or have dinner for two
But I shouldn't even if I know that you've just at home

I would want to make you feel special
Look after your well-being, take care of you
But I shouldn't even if I know that no one's doing that for you now

Do you know why I want to do these?

Because you make me smile and laugh
You never left my side when I needed someone to lean on
You've known me enough but still held on
Because I can be dumb and crazy when I'm with you
And you would be crazier
And most of all, you make me feel so special

And why I shouldn't?

Because I am just a friend.

In Christ | #ENFast2018

First post for 2018! Woohoo!!

This will be updated until end of this week as I am currently on fast.

Some of you maybe confused on what I am saying. Well, I've committed to a one-meal-only fast from January 8-12 for our church's annual Prayer and Fasting which is entitled In Christ.

Yes, for five days... well, four and a half to be exact, I will be limiting myself to eat JUST ONE MEAL. No snacks or any solid food intake aside from that meal for five (or 4 1/2) days. This is a collective (voluntary) activity of members of VCF or Victory Christian Fellowship at the start of each year to focus more on God. As mentioned in the P&F booklet:

"Fasting is a spiritual tool God uses to advance His kingdom, change the destiny of nations, spark revival, and bring victory in people’s lives. Every Nation begins each new year with five days of prayer and fasting to humble ourselves before God, consecrate ourselves to Him for the upcoming year, and corporately agree for breakthroughs."

More information is seen here --> https://www.everynationfast.org/. Focus for this year is the Book of Ephesians.

Along with the activity, we also pray for breakthroughs, or what we also call Faith Goals. Those are what we believe God for. It can be with our personal lives, careers, finances, relationships... I mean anything. But of course, while we ask for something, it will only happen if it's God's will.

There are also daily prayer meetings happening in all Victory congregations to help and guide us with our daily fasting. I work at night so I attend the services through Facebook Live of Victory Fort (Thank God for technology!). Saved videos are here --> https://www.youtube.com/user/victoryfort/videos

Oh, I forgot to mention.. that aside from fasting, I also committed to a "Social Media fast", which means that while I am online on social media, I will be invisible by not posting, reacting and watching IG stories (obviously I will be visible on Victory Fort's FB live because of the services.

So some of you may think that I do this to get what I am praying for. While it is true, a way better reward is in store. That is to get to know God more and by denying yourself of those you "need", you get to focus on what God wants to convey.

He speaks to us every time but we don't listen. I am so much guilty of this. This is also my way of saying that I cannot be anyone or have anything without God.

(As of January 9, 2018)

So I am first writing this on Day 2. So far I was able to fulfill my commitment... generally. Well, I ate 2 doughnuts for dessert yesterday (1 is enough for a meal!), unconsciously liked and posted a comment on FB (which I unliked and removed right away) and watched some IG stories.

I'm done with these:

THIS IS SOOOOO HARD!!! But again, the purpose is for me to focus on letting God work on me completely because I won't be able to do this while sick and preparing for a 10k race. But I know I will be able to finish this not by my strength but God's grace.

“. . . if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray

and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from

heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”

2 CHRONICLES 7:14

(As of January 11, 2018)

Almost ending Day 4, and I admit it, it is getting harder! Yesterday, Nord brought Maja Blanca made by her girlfriend. Because of my commitment of eating just one meal daily, I had to eat it right after the food I bought at the pantry (with a doughnut from Dunkin Donuts). The struggle was soooo real LOL!

I also felt lightheaded several times since Day 3, probably because of suppressed eating while still recovering from cough and colds. Forgot to mention that I was also feverish on Days 1 and 2 but still went through my planned pre-race workout. Still can't believe how I was able to do that, and also amazed that I ran with my target pace today! This is definitely not me, this is God working through me. Also, during today's prayer meeting live stream of Victory Fort, Pastor Paolo Punzalan prayed for healing and now, my cough is almost gone! Praise God and I claim that I will be in top shape & able to break my 10k Personal Record (PR).

This has been a very fruitful four days so far, and claiming for breakthrough after breakthrough. Amen.

The Sunday Currently, Tres

Skipped some weeks (yeah, I forgot) and since today's New Year's Eve, aside from this post, I will also have a 2017 Reflection. Anyway, here's what I have today!


Reading
None, as usual. But because of Ang Larawan, I'm looking into reading A Portrait of the Artist as Filipino by Nick Joaquin. It's a three-act play.. now where to find a physical copy, I don't know


Writing
My 2017 reflections. I've been doing this as a personal tradition since 2011 if I am not mistaken.


Listening
Footsteps from outside and faint street noises. I wanted to just rest for a while before I go to church, get the lasagna I ordered from House of Lasagna (love, love, love their Beef Lasagna!) and go home to spend the new year with my siblings, nephew and niece


Thinking
A lot of things. Reflecting on what happened in 2017 is not as easy as the previous years. Been thinking of it for a while but still have nothing to write


Smelling
Just my room. And I realize that if I want this area to be my sanctuary, I need to bring back my oil burner (copied from my previous post, lol)


Hoping
That I won't get sleepy later at church lol! Seriously, I only slept for four hours and have a long day ahead. Maybe I can catch some zzz's when I get home


Wearing
Shirt and shorts


Loving
What happened two days ago, our annual get together. I've always been looking forward to that every Christmas season and this year was great!

Wanting
To sleep, have my eyebrows done (because kilay is life lol) and a good massage. Maybe tomorrow :)


Needing
Okay, I just don't want a massage, I need it! lol!


Feeling
Hopeful. Seeing my condo unit slowly looking like a home, I am hopeful and expectant that 2018 will bring more blessings and turn my unit into my home. Excited to bring in visitors!


Have a great new year, everyone! Enjoy tonight's celebrations.


Join The Sunday Currently link-up by siddathornton!

The Sunday Currently, Dos

I am almost 24 hours awake, mainly because I am still at a high with my recent 10k run c/o Affinitea. I think I have to create a separate blog for that. Here's my result according to Strava:

But hey, while it's already Monday (time check: 1:16am PH time), it is still Sunday in most parts of the world. So here's my 2nd round of The Sunday Currently.

Reading
My run results in Strava. Yes, I still can't believe that I finished the race. I almost gave up on the 7k stretch because my legs are getting stiff and left pelvic area hurts... followed by the right area, don't know why.

Writing
This text message that I will be sending to my broker. She didn't show up in multiple times that she promised to give what she needs to provide. One more and I will file a formal complaint (wait, I already filed one without response) if she will not comply.

Listening
Just my aircon noise, about to sleep.

Thinking
On when I should be running my next 10k. I will actually look for schedules for January or early February for another 10k run before going a step higher - 21k... yes, half marathon!

Smelling
Just my room. And I realize that if I want this area to be my sanctuary, I need to bring back my oil burner.

Hoping
That I will be able to buy what I need to buy. My Christmas gift list is less than 50% done ugh!

Wearing
A t-shirt and old jogging pants

Loving
The fact there are people who are happy that I started running. Well, in reality, I started 4 months ago but only known to a select few

Wanting
To eat! But I can't because I need to sleep!!!

Needing
A good massage! My body is craving for one

Feeling
Relieved. My dog, a male shih tzu was sick last Friday. I thought it's something really bad but glad that it's cold. One fact though is that when dogs get cold, they lose their appetite and vomit.


Alright! That's it! Have a great week ahead, everyone! :)

Join The Sunday Currently link-up by siddathornton!

When You Feel Nothing

An impromptu blog. And I don't know how this will turn out.

Aside from what I felt a few hours ago about my dog potentially being sick and away from him, it seems that I feel nothing majority of the time.

Living alone, working alone (most of the time), being inside my own bubble. Being an introvert makes these very easy tasks. These make me also think alone, talk to myself and sometimes do this - document.

This question comes to mind - what are people dealing with in their everyday lives.

But then, you see the news, you see lesser fortunate individuals, families deal with their lowly lives day after day. Sickness, poverty, slavery and a whole lot more.

Then you think again, would you still want to feel something? Immediate and appropriate answer is... of course!

Now I realize that I feel a lot every single moment.

Sad - That's the reason why I started typing here

Lonely - You know what, while I prefer being alone most of the time, it would always be nice to know that someone will just be there and say that things will just be fine. I don't have that constant companion for more than 9 years already... and counting.

Confused - On where life will lead me. I know God is bringing me closer to that, but as of now I'm still in a blur.

Bored - I am used to be busy when at work, but guess what, I am doing this. While I have a document to finish, I am taking time so I can do something tomorrow. I don't want to get used to not being busy.

But despite all those negative feelings...

Thankful and super blessed.

God has blessed me so much even when I don't deserve it. I say this over and over again because it's true. Looking at other people not as 'fortunate' as you are, you would ask why. And then I answer (talking to myself again, huh?). It's all about mindset, it's all about faith and knowing that God suffered way worse that any other living (or dead) person there is or was. And why He did that, because of LOVE. I may feel lonely, sad, betrayed at times. In this state and condition. But I won't be surprised if someone who is not that fortunate is happier in life than I am.

Sometimes, we feel that nothing is happening. This is because we keep on looking outside going in. Most of the time we look at the surface. What we need to do more often is to look inside going out. How we feel deep inside after everything that is happening and has happened will make us realize that life is way better than we always think.

Surprising that this blog turned out like this. Amazing. Thank you, Lord.

However, I will not feel this every moment. After posting this, I may feel nothing... or different again. But one thing is sure, I can always look up... and inside.

Wow. I should do this more often.

The Sunday Currently, Uno

Okay, I know it's a Tuesday (my Monday shift) early morning. But forgive me on this one. I was so tired from my Sunday activities that I slept and woke up at 8am the next day! Whew! So here it is, my first Sunday Currently.

Reading
Work emails. Yep.

Writing
I have this crazy idea of creating messages that should be read by people when I die. It's in my draft section and for regular update. So people, if I indeed die and you see this post, you know what to do.

Listening
Office noise... a very faint one and few vehicles at EDSA

Thinking
What time I should sleep and wake up to run

Smelling
Nothing specific, maybe myself? LOL

Hoping
That I will be able to run 45 minutes later

Wearing
Blouse and slacks, my work clothes

Loving
Him! Sino ba kamo? Basta sya!

Wanting
A piece of cake #ihatesweets LOL

Needing
Still some hugs. Someone to tell that everything will be alright

Feeling
Excited and anxious for my FIRST 10k race on Sunday. I was able to run that distance last Saturday and still can't believe at the results (see below)

Join The Sunday Currently link-up by siddathornton!

The Sunday Currently Trial

I would like to revive my blog to document some of those I've said while talking to myself (I am so sure you talk to yourself, too! Lol!)

Then got this idea from celebrity Maine Mendoza on publishing weekly blogs called The Sunday Currently. This was created by siddathornton to publish what is 'currently' happening to ones life. What a good idea! We as adults tend to either focus at the past and/or the future while ignoring what is happening NOW!

The post is supposed to be simple, not sure though if it really is for me lol! But I should answer the following:

• Reading (Okay, I don't read books so this may be hard)
• Writing
• Listening
• Thinking
• Smelling (hmmm.. myself? Lol!)
• Wishing
• Hoping
• Wearing
• Loving
• Wanting
• Needing
• Feeling

So let's see, it's not yet Sunday but let me consider this as a practice.

---------------------

Reading

My project plan at work. Well, yes, I am currently at work lol!

Writing

This blog!

Listening

Okay, this may be weird to some, but I am listening to a recorded AM radio program

Thinking

How to plot the process document for my project (again, I am at work)

Smelling

3-in-1 coffee that I just drank

Hoping

That I can keep myself awake tonight and finish my target run later

Wearing

Blouse and slacks, my work clothes

Loving

The fact that I will be able to fill my condo unit with house stuff!

Wanting

To run! Finish 10k on Saturday!

Needing

Some hugs. Someone to tell that everything will be alright

Feeling

I honestly don't know. Nothing? 

---------------------

There! Let's see if I can sustain this. Good night!

A Comeback Blog: When I Die

What a comeback, right? LOL! Well, it's been YEARSSSS since I've posted something here. A lot has happened which I choose not to elaborate (It's almost weekend and I'm bit tired).

So.. I made this a few weeks back and would like to post it somewhere that my sisters may read in case they want to have a reference.

(Update as of November 26, 2017)

This will be updated from time to time until either make up my mind or die, whichever comes first.

I still have my St. Peter plan, it’s mine. Contact Jong Menchavez (a friend and former colleague in Davao) as he knows who So if I die before my dad, use it. The free 4 days should be enough to process everything.

I prefer cremation but if it’s more expensive than burial, then the latter will do.

I don’t care about what you’ll do to me because I won’t know if anyway. So it can be as crappy as it can.

You don’t need to post how I was on social media because, again, I won’t know it anyway. Others won’t care either. Well, maybe my family.

If you wish to visit at my wake, do not expect people to serve you. We are a small family, independent at that. Most if not all of my friends are educated and professionals, just help yourselves. Also, don’t expect that my wake will have lots of food or have food at all. You have jobs, feed yourselves. We are still relatively poor and won’t afford additional expenses.

Lastly, on my tombstone, I want this written - I’ve lived my life based on my decisions and I take full responsibility. You should too!

(Update as of December 13, 2017)

I am just reminded of my wish right after declaring dead, to have all healthy parts donated to the most needed children, mothers or breadwinners. It'll be my family's option if they want to know the identity of the recipients, but what I would like to request to the latter -- pay it forward.

Am I Getting Impatient?

Sometimes... err.. okay oftentimes I envy women in relationships, be it boyfriends or husbands because I thought, a few years ago, I will have a family of my own when I get to this age.

I remember thinking about my own wedding, how it will be, what the concept will be, songs, food, guests, venue, the pastor and a lot of details. There came a time that I thought it will come true in the nearest future...  but then I woke up to a nightmare.

I still dream of it coming true, but am I getting impatient? Why do I always ask myself on when it will be or who that man is? Is it because of my physical appearance? Well, I know that I am not attractive even when I was still thin.

I guess I will still be asking the same question in a long time.

courtesy of www.hollywoodtoysandcostumes.com

April, A Picture at a Time

Because of Leo's latest news, I got the urge to post something again after some time... and to introduce my new 'craze', #PhotoADay :)

I've seen some posts from my Facebook friends and wanting to start one since November of last year but just got the interest to really do it this month.

So the 'game' goes like this, there are sort of picture requirements daily for the whole month and all you have to do is to take a picture to satisfy that requirement... with a simple explanation of course.

For April, below are the picture requirements:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10200411889451949&l=662e9fed78

Okay, for this blog to have a bit of a life again hehe, I'll update this post daily with the pictures. You may want to follow suit :)

Happy picture taking! :)

Day 1 - Play: Adik Mode Lang :)

Day 2 - Blue: This was actually taken the day before when i went to SM Lanang Premier for dinner. I didn't watch a movie though :)

Day 3- something beginning with A: the Altec Lansing speaker set our team used for almost 6 years. Though we already replaced it with two new ones, we still can't deny that it served us very well. :)

Day 4 - this happened today: ChrisSabs strikes again!
A regular work day when suddenly Karl sent a message through skype. Apparently, it was Chris who sent it! Kudos, ChrisSabs!!! wahahahaha!

Four Years

Four years... it's been four years. For those close to me, they know every bit of what happened four years ago. Yes, each day was a struggle because I went back to square one. Actually, I was at square one for quite some time. There are some instances that I went a few steps but got back. Most of the time, I stare at nowhere, like someone looking through a brick wall then tears come down to my eyes. I cannot explain the pain I felt that time... pain that I kept inside. It was overflowing that even when I tried to hide it, it just came out naturally.

I tried moving on and just forget everything but it's like a ghost haunting me at every picture, song and recent memory I had. For quite sometime, I felt angry and bitter. Then pitied myself. Maybe I still feel bits of those until now, I admit.

I am not saying that I have moved on. Someone once told me that there's no such thing as moving on, just getting used to the pain and deciding to go on with your life. Maybe everything that I am doing now is to prove that I can be better now or making him regret what he did or a defense mechanism... or all. However one thing is for sure, my Big Dad, my dear Lord God gave me the strength and courage to go on and move forward.

This (pointing at myself) is still a work in progress. Whatever I've achieved and done since four years ago, it's because of my decision of moving forward. I'm not saying I don't feel anger, sadness, bitterness and emptiness. I feel that everytime! I am not saying that what I'm doing is the right way. But what I know is I feel better. For now, that's what's important.

May God guide my path.

Three Times the Confusion

I know... it's been ages since I shared something in the web. Maybe I just lost interest or don't want to be misinterpreted which happens most of the time.

Last week was same as the previous ones - toxic, except for two events:

1. There was a Sagala theme day in the office, and the group chose to join... and we won! :) Thanks to everyone who made it possible. One thing that made me stressed out was the "requirement" of dressing up. I think it's more stressful than attending meetings and making reports, just because I am not used to it.

I knew of the requirement on Tuesday and the event was on Friday. I didn't do anything though until Wednesday afternoon after I got confirmation. Got a cellphone number from a co-worker but hesitated to go there because of the rent price - 1k for a gown rent?! But I just had to do it because it's part of the judging criteria.

I didn't get any response from the contact but I just can't go out because of work requirements. It was only Thursday afternoon that I am forced to look for a dress. Went to three shops before I got the first dress that matched the "requirement" - Filipiniana which was also cheaper. What's funny and embarrassing though was what happened before that. Being the "lampa" that I am, I tripped on a hump and saw myself almost kissing the asphalt road in Bajada. That caused my injury which I have until yesterday (It still hurts but already bearable).

Anyway, the event pushed through with me in a brown modern filipiniana dress, made up which is very uncommon. Almost everyone liked how I looked but I was just uncomfortable with it. Oh well, our team won so I think it's worth it. :)

2. I was chatting with my boss when she suddenly asked me questions that lead to an offer. Then I was told that it was announced in a meeting. Confused, I asked a long-time friend for advise. He gave some but I am not satisfied. Talked to one of my mentors and he made me think more, most especially when he mentioned that he'd love me to be his partner in crime. I was not forced to give an answer so I told myself to wait for it to be asked again. Later that day, she sent me an email regarding her plans. It made me more confused but made me smile.

I have not reached a concrete decision yet because all have its pros and cons. My decision may literally change my life.

Anyway, I still have the whole day to think of it. Tomorrow's a new week and I'm looking forward to challenges that it will bring. I might have felt exhaustion at times, but pressures and stress give me this sort of vibe to face it more.

Last Working Day of 2010

It's been a while since I posted something here. I tried a couple of times but didn't manage to finish something. Basically, it was work that ate my time and the stress and exhaustion around it.

Before I left for Manila last Christmas, my life was blank - boring was an understatement. I didn't have anything to do except work, and put too much effort on it. You might ask why, but I can't really tell. Getting messages from friends in Manila for reunions/get togethers/meetups made me more than excited. At last, I'll get my life back! That's what I was, going out with friends, eating, chatting and singing with them were just some activities we do.

After the Christmas eve service at church, I went to Damosa to buy cake for my team and eat dinner. Then went back to work to finish a report due that day. Nothing special in the office, aside from the Christmas dinner. Greeted everyone a Merry Christmas at midnight, posted greetings in twitter and talked to a friend who's in Saudi through Skype. For a while, I felt that I was an OFW too... no families nor long-time friends around, just workmates and newly-found friends. Also ate with the GY members to at least feel that I have family that night.

Then came 2am. Still working on my report, I received a phone call and email message that calls coming in are way above the forecast that they need our team to help. So I asked the team to take in calls until further notice. The call volume was so high that made the site director go the office and check on things. Stress was in the air again, i told myself. What made it more stressful is the "magnified mistakes" made by the members. Good thing I was there, if not, there would be attrition on Christmas day.

Instead of my plan of just finishing the report and rest the whole night, my last day in Davao was just like any other day in the office, full of pressure. Well, this is what I chose and love to do, so be it and bring it on! \m/

A Dream

I can’t remember the last time I had a dream as vivid as what happened last Sunday.

I was looking at a wide, green field then saw the man I secretly love driving a tricycle with lots of food, children and his current love as passengers. It is observed that he’s struggling in driving. The tricycle just passed by but he looked at me.

The next “scene” was in a room with a make-up artist. I was wearing a wedding gown and preparing for my wedding. After putting on my veil, I noticed that it touched my lips causing a lipstick stain on it. I called the attention of the make-up artist but she said that it’s just okay then I went down the stairs.

It was “bitin” but I woke up smiling and I don’t know why.

IM Crew

Try this...

http://www.imcrew.com/?r=504996

Slap!

Daydreaming. Talking to myself. Asking myself why I am doing this. Slapping my own face.

Yeah, again and again and again... Talking about craziness, huh? These are the times that I hate myself for thinking about him and my craziness on him. No matter I tell myself that nothing will ever happen, even if I constantly ask for His help, the devil knows how to make me weak, touching my emotions big time.

Fighting myself each time I see him. Sometimes I win, most of the time I don't. Then again, the slapping comes in.

I have to tell myself that this will go nowhere. I have to let go... I've been suffering for so long, long enough to build a new self to accommodate new whatevers.

Well, for now I have to slap my face hard enough to wake up in this daydreaming... *slap*

Forgiven

A confessed FB addict, I opened my account one night and saw one post in my news feed. There were comments posted on one status update on a baby girl that was born the day before.

Curious on who that new parent is, I opened the link only to find out that it was my ex. I smiled while looking at the pictures. I didn't even know why I smiled. I was alone (as always) in my hotel room so i didn't have to pretend.

Then I realized... yes, I really forgave him. I don't know when it started but I am very sure that I can look at him in the eye and not see a reflection of me full of anger. I was actually happy for him because he wanted a girl for his first born. His mom's name was even part of the little angel's.

Eleven years with him was very fruitful. We've learned things from each other -- but I learned more from him. A part of what I am now is because of him. God gave him to me not to be a husband but his instrument for me to know Him. That alone made it worth it.

I am looking forward to meet him and his family in the near future. Yes, he is forgiven.

Him Alone

Been through a bunch of trials in the past weeks which made me go back the only one that I need.

God revealed to me what He wants me to hear:

• He will never leave nor forsake me
• He will be my shield in every battle I face
• Everything will come in His time, with His will
• What I need is Him and no one or nothing will ever replace his place
• Our goal in life is to please Him and everything will follow

I now forgive those people who wronged me, even if they don't ask for it. Whatever that was said and done is not entirely your fault. I have my share of the blame.

I also ask forgiveness to everyone I wronged, be it intentional or not. Being insensitive sometimes hit me big time.

My prayer is for people I know to realize the same thing. That the Lord is just waiting for them to call His name. May they feel tremendous joy in coming to His presence. Amen.